Thursday, 13 August 2015

RIP Maman


On the 22 of July, my Mum passed away. 
After battling cancer for 7 long years she is finally in peace and no longer suffering. 
I am trying really hard not to cloister myself or cry all day as she always told me that life goes on and I should not be sad because she is no longer physically with me.

But when I'm by myself and think about the future, I realise she will not be with me at my wedding, at the birth of my children, she won't hold my hand saying that:" everything will be fine, Estelle" , she won't give me advice, she won't be there for Christmas or birthdays, I won't receive anymore selfies of here smiling, she won't tell me off because I smoke too much, she won't be there anymore.

People tell me that the most important thing is what I remember, the happy memories, the photographs but this is not enough I am 25, she was 56, my life just start and I need her now. 

For seven long years I knew it will happen one day, that my dad or sister would call me saying that it is over, I thought I was prepared but no. My whole world collapsed, I can't accept that I will never see her again, talk to her, touch her. It is the worst feeling ever. I feel so empty. 

It sounds very selfish, I only think about how I am suffering, how broken my heart is, how I am going to get trough it but when I remember how she fights for life without complaining one second, pretending everything was fine, throwing away the pain killers not to lose her mind and to enjoy every single moment with us, I can only be proud to be her daughter and I have no other choice than making her proud of me in return.

Maman je t'aime



We played that song at her funerals as she loved it and I feel like it has been written for her ...